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22.1.08

from nic

2:24 am.

"doubtful perhaps your eyelids
are still open - i just read your
thing and yes - i was just thinking
about you the other day. i seem
to always try to talk to you late
like this. Besides the point, i'm
drunk as fuck and i go back to
work tomorrow. Peace and happy
belated birthday. i still haven't
forgot about the tree house."

tell your heart.

never allow yourself the chance to make a moment go too far.

and never think for one second that its the only moment you'll ever get to keep with you.

stop holding onto nothing and start letting go.

somewhere along the way someones going to get hurt.

anticipate heartache
and dont plan so far ahead.

love poem

(sometime in may)

i'm glad i never made the mistake of telling you that i love you.

i'm sorry i faked that our sex was good and made you think i liked it. i'm sorry i lied and said you didn't have a small {ween} and
i'm glad i never wrote you a real love poem.

21.1.08

failure is inevitable.

"i'm afraid of failure." he said.

as if that wasn't the first time
i heard half of a man tell me
their shells were afraid of being
imperfect. as if avoiding failure
was possible.

and i think in my head

"i'm glad my biggest fear
isn't my biggest accomplishment."

long division

my dreams are starting to overlap with my real life and i'm beginning to have a hard time separating the two. maybe its not even the fact that i can't tell one from the other - its the inconsistency that comes with waking up and realizing you're not really with me. dreams are good when you're feeling distant from someone. because it brings you back together as if somehow your dreams know that you're aching for someone.

so i sleep to dream you closer to me, even if its just for a few hours

time better spent.

you're always on my mind and i promise you right now - that i'll never be what you want me to be - i'll never give enough. i'll never let you in and i'll never love you. I've stopped telling my story - and trying to bring people closer by pushing them away. i've stopped being the victim. and i've stopped leaving myself open and vulnerable for hurt and heartache. i've become a vault of what i used to be. i've buried myself and i dont want to let you in. i wont.
i'm sorry.

cold.

every time i fall for someone new
i find myself saying the same thing -
please be right for me - please, i hope
this works out. and every time - it
ends the same way. and i've wasted
- yet again - my heart space on
meaningless connections.

keep your
dirty hearts away from me, boys.
i'm not looking for love.

i'm not looking for you.

holding on to all we have left.

(sometime in july 2007)

i hate to think that this may have been our only chance.
i hate to think.

and i hate that i can't write
any words
about our only hours
together.