i want something from you that i dont think i've ever wanted out of a person before.
our situations are so fucked and messy, that it's hard to imagine us as any more than what we already are.
im such a fucked up person when it comes to any sort of relationship. which sucks to think that all i'm doing is playing everyone in my life.
[i wish the people who loved me knew me well enough not to.]
digging my nails into my skin is the closest i can get to that familiar sting on my flesh. the burn i've know for far too long and far too well. i was so young then - i see that now - but at my lowest of lows that comforting pain was easily my best and most loyal friend.
it's just that, sometimes we do things to remind ourselves of who we are.
i want to be reminded of who i was - but i dont want to be that person. so tearing at my skin and scratching at my surfaces is my grown up way of being vulnerable to my own body.
its hard to find someone who is as constant as that reassuring pain was.
thanks for teaching me how to feel, i'm not ashamed anymore.
i'm not sure if it's my medication
my lack of food
cigarettes
or the thought of you and her
that's making my stomach hurt so bad.
but it's an ache that i can't deny.
i think our hearts are mixed up.
you want what i can't give you
and i want what you'll never be able to give to me.
my brain and heart are having a panic attack and i can't seem to figure out how to make it the spinning stop.
i cant seem to figure out how to make this all go away.
i can't seem to figure you out.
I can't help but think that i'm making a big mistake by giving you my heart like this.
this whole situation is a mistake. and it hurts and all i can feel is this tension inside my stomach that's whispering: somewhere, along the way, i'm going to loose something.
God i fucking hope it doesnt have to be you.
I hate my memory and everything i can't forget/remember. Seems like the further back I try to push a memory into my brain, the more it unexpectedly comes back to haunt my thoughts. And no matter how hard i try to remember the beautiful, the further back into my head i have to dig only to find blurry, shattered pieces of what was once so good. I cant remember a thing about the first time i knew i loved you. But I remember every vivid detail of the moment i decided i hated you. I'm bitter on the inside - mostly because i'm selfish.
i'm selfish because the only things i choose to remember - are the times you let me hurt.
and the truth is - i'm aching for your hands on my skin. I feel this need for you burning inside of me. Please run your fingers across my body. This is how it should be. This is how it should always be. I hate that when i think of wanting you so badly, i am simultaneously reminded of how short these moments are going to last. I want to keep you deep inside of me and never set you free, because i dont want this feeling to ever go away.
Not Now. Not Tomorrow. Not Ever.
(please tell me you feel that way too.)
i'm moving in slow motion today.
my breathing seems harder than
usual and the sun is starting to
make me itch. I've got this pain
between my legs and in my heart.
and i've used up all my wishes on
hoping it would all disappear. i'm
so ashamed of how little i respect
myself and how much i want to
please everyone else. i was just too
small to get away.
small and powerless.
i've become completely numb
i'm a faker and i feel
nothing.
except my stomach acids beginning to rise.
whatever we are, we're certainly something, even if it's just a little more than nothing. We exist as something together. Secretly, lovingly, hopefully. We're a dream of what something good could be. You're a dream. I'm in your dreams. We're something - simple, delicate, and vulnerable. We've exposed each other to our deepest sides full of hidden love and masked emotions. Whatever we are - we're a confusion of what could be. A mistake, maybe, but an assurance that something bigger than ourselves exists in the in-betweens. It's ok to need me. It's ok to love my mind. It's ok to connect with me. It's ok to imagine me in your future. It's ok that you're already committed to someone else, physically, because I know in some way that you've connected to me, spiritually. I like the pattern you give to my heartbeat.
I like you - I'm sorry.
my body is aching in the metal silence of all my fears. And I keep thinking the only way that i can keep myself from falling asleep is by digging my fingers into my eye sockets. This is a feeling I wish didn't have to exist. I wish most all of the ways that I'm feeling didn't exist. (especially this unknown feeling) The confusion toward the way i am feeling about you and what i want from us both. This confusion toward each of you that have plucked pieces of my heart right out of my chest and indefinitely become objects of my affection. I wish i could strum on your heartstrings the way mine are being played. and the echoes and chimes will ring from deep down in our core - as to create a momentary song in time. Every connection is just the preview to a life-long symphony. whether you choose to dance to it, or not, is up to you. My eyes are so tired that i believe I've forgotten how to listen - or how to press pause. My eyes are so tired, that i don't care either way.
So I asked him the other day
What he wanted out of me. And to tell me my place, so I’m not so confused anymore.
I keep getting caught up between acting like a girlfriend, but not being his girlfriend.
I tried to really speak up for myself. I’m tired of him thinking he can try to tell me what he thinks I want to here, just so he can get what he wants from me. It’s ok really, if that’s what he wants, I just wish he didn’t act like we were more than that. He never answered my question, only followed it with “what do you want from me?” The only thing I want is for him to stop pretending like we’re more than we are. I’m tired of him feeding me half truths, and empty promises. The ones I hang on to in order to keep myself around. I wish you would answer my question and tell me where I belong in your life. Even if it’s nowhere.
I’m trying to forget you.
But it’s hard.
thank God in the heavens that
i'm not stuck with
you forever.
The Lord really cut me
a fuckin break this
time - and I dont want
to fuck it up.
I wont take this generosity
for granted
because Jesus
did me
a god damn
favor
today.
So I have a lot of stuff written in a notebook. Stuff that I wish I could share with someone. But every person I know has a biased view. I figured I could write a blog, be completely anonymous, and say whatever I want without feeling like i have to censor myself. So here I am, writing, like it makes a difference. Hoping maybe you’ll see it. Without knowing it was from me. I have so much in my notebook to put up here… so I’m just going to post them all. Starting now. Until forever.
Peace/love.
your mutter of something sounding like "I call it making love" whispered into my ear sounded so distant that the words were lost the second you breathed their life. This was not love making. this was a simple fuck in the back-seat of a car - just as every dirty rug-burned fuck we'd had before. My heart was on a completely different side of town every time you stabbed me with your latex knife. (just for the record: my heart was never involved, so you can leave love out of this) and leave my fucking heart out of this, it never did shit to you.
Just so you know - every time you called it "love-making", I called it "orgasm faking".
I don't love you, and I never have.
stop filling my head with half truths
and empty promises
that's not what i need in order
for you to get what you want
i'm not stupid. i'm not a
sucker.
stop polluting the air with your false
advertising and your cheap statements
this isn't different, this isn't special.
i'd rather you told the truth about
what you wanted, instead of
keeping me here, holding onto nothing.
this is purpose-less sex, so just say it.
and stop telling me what you think i need to hear.
I'm so horrible at sticking with what feels right.
I feel mostly like I'm not me, with you
and i'm not me, without you.
All i know is that i love the way it feels
to be in your arms, and i love the way it
feels to sleep alone.
what am i missing that i dont already have?
I hate the thought of having to share my life.
because love and relationships
and marriage all lead to
the abandonment of your
own individual life, your dreams,
your needs.
maybe i'm wrong, but i dont think that's fair.
